Posts tagged Relationships
3 Things I learned in Singleness

This blog post has been in the works for over a year. Regardless of my lack of consistency, it does not disqualify or devalue the tips that have brought contentment to my season of singleness. Here are some lessons that have made my stay in the Friendzone more pleasant.

NEVER force anyone to love you

I am pretty sure you are evaluating your current friendzone situation and debating if you are in any way, shape or form forcing anyone to love you. It’s okay. I will help you figure it out. If you are behaving in a manner that is not like your usual self, then you are in fact trying to draw attention to yourself to be noticed. You don't have to manipulate your ways, in order to be noticed. If you got “it,” “it” doesn't beg for attention. If they can’t see and recognize your worth, then you are not for them. When Adam saw Eve, he knew who she was. Eve did not have to personify a false perception, nor alter who God made her be, in order to attract the attention of Adam. In fact, because she remained true to herself, he saw her for who she was-- his wife. 


Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.  And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”


In fact, the moment Eve changed who she was by eating the apple, is the moment Adam didn’t recognize her as his wife, but a stranger.


Then the man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.”


 Learn to keep boundaries between you and your close opposite sex friends

I don’t need to dive in further, do I? I think the subtitle suffices, but nonetheless, I will expound more, possibly exposing myself in the process. In our Christian community, we have various types of relationship, a fraction of them being platonic relationships with the members of the opposite sex. No harm done. However, harm can be done if the lines of friendship and an uncommunicated relationship becomes blurred. That’s where boundaries come into place.

Where there is no revelation, people cast off restraint; but blessed is the one who heeds wisdom’s instruction.
— Proverbs 29:18 NIV

Boundaries keep the opposite sex in the friendzone before they assume they are being promoted to a significant other. No, baby, what is you doing? That spot is reserved for Kofi.

Singleness is the prerequisite for a relationship

It would be amazing if we didn’t have to endure singleness as long as we do right now. To not have to endure years of singleness. To be married and young. However, that’s not the case for many of us. We, men and women, have to go through the waiting process. Remember that waiting is synonymous with maturing. In this season of waiting, learn to grow and mature as an individual and to experience life as a single person. Sometimes, we have that impression that we have evolved to our fullest potential, but there is always room to improve mentally, spiritually, and financially. Invest in yourself. Love yourself. Treat yourself. Don’t wait for a significant other to start enjoying the beauty of life.

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In this season of singleness, what is God teaching you? What is He saying to you? As you are waiting, hearken to His voice. Remember He can love you more than any man or woman ever could.

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Courtship, It's Like...

Well, it all started when I was born...

Honestly, it did. God knew even before I was born who I would marry. He knows every one of my future children's names. He knows where my future family will live. He even knows about my future kitchen that will be painted golden yellow with floral accents, and not to mention my genuine Kitchen Aid brand stand mixer that my husband will approve of…in JESUS NAME (SAY AMEN!).

A sister got dreams.


For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end
— Jeremiah 29:11

For some reason, I believed that I would never enter a relationship until it actually happened. Some would probably agree with me because if you know my community of believing friends, one cannot "spot" one serious "marry-able" brother whose mind was on marriage. Many of the sisters around me are between the ages of 23-30 and marriage is definitely a topic of concern. So many of us have yet to see our Adams awakened from slumber, and we are sometimes even tempted to awaken someone for the sake of satisfaction.  

I remember a time I was in a prayer meeting to pray for a family, and the leader raised a prayer point, "now let's pray for your future husband." Talk about random. I laughed. I was like Sarai when God said she would have a baby despite her dried-up womb.

Of course, like every girl, I desired a relationship. I desired to be a partner to a diligent worker in the house of God. Shoot. I wanted someone who complimented me too. I desired to be the object of a guy's affection. I desired to have someone to dream with, and so much more.  

By God's grace at the appointed time, He brought him to me, and when he came with his proposal of courtship, and I had to pray and make my decision.

Now can I tell you that this was the hardest and toughest decision I have ever had to make so far in life, for a few reasons. Like, I actually felt like I was being processed through a cheese grater to come to a decision. Y'all…He wasn't my "type." Like seriously. He's shorter than me, older than I preferred, didn't know me well, of a different tribe. You name it, I didn't want it. Having to pray about this took me to a place in my walk with the Lord where I had to seriously die to my flesh. This chapter of my life was called: "Girl, DIE"


For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another so that you do not do the things that you wish
— Galatians 5:17

The battle was real. To face the possibility that this brother was God's plan for my life was scary. But as Jesus said in the garden of Gethsemane, "not my will but yours be done." So for me to clearly hear what the Lord was saying, I had to remove my biases and make room for the Lord to have His way and speak to me. And guess what, the Lord made it crystal clear to go ahead with accepting his proposal. Like crystal-poppin-shiny-DUH clear. But if I kept my biases, I wouldn't have heard the Lord. Think of Jesus as described in Isaiah 53:2

For He shall grow up before Him as a tender plant,

And as a root out of dry ground.

He has no form or comeliness;

And when we see Him,

There is no beauty that we should desire Him.

When you look at Jesus with a carnal eye, there

When you look at Jesus with a carnal eye, there is nothing about Him that would ever draw us to Him. But guess what, He was (and still is) the plan of God for our lives. God's plan for us doesn't always look attractive or like what we expect. And so was future hubby to me.

Now, of course, it is different for everyone, but in EVERY Godly relationship, this is KEY: God has to be the originator of it. Psalm 127 says that "unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it." And guess what? It starts at your "yes." When the Lord makes His word and will clear, you will be able to stand strong in your relationship even in the difficult times. You may feel like giving up because he is plucking your nerves, or told you the jollof you made was soggy and needed more salt, but because the Lord spoke, you stand strong and suffer long. Build your house on the rock, so that when rain and wind comes, it won't all come crashing down.

But anyways, after I said yes, we started courtship officially. It's funny after I agreed, I went to my car like "WHAT DID I JUST DO?!" Now, the honest truth you don't hear every day, but I had no feelings for him. *GASP!* Yes, not a typo. No feelings. But because of God's word and confirmations to me, I trusted that the Lord would grow my love and affection for him. That was how I was comforted every day. God really made sure that my flesh was dead, He took full control. He wanted the glory, and He got it. I can proudly say I played no manipulating hand in my testimony. By God's grace, I grew more and more in love, in all purity, guided and strengthened by God's hand. Today I testify that I am in love with him, and even when it doesn't make sense to love him, I still love him.

Praise God for lovey-dovey mushy gushy. That is a major part of it, but the best and hardest part of godly courtship is going through the pruning process. BRUH. Like OUCH. It's like when we started courting, the Lord started to reveal everything wrong about me. I thought I was perfect. Everything that I CANNOT bring into marriage God started revealing and uprooting. Godly courtship changes you and plays a part of God's overall plan for your life. Here's a freebie: the proof that something in your life is godly is if it assists in transforming you into God's image. Does it edify you spiritually? Or does it cause you to sin and backslide? The blessing of God makes one rich and adds no sorrow (Prov 10:22). And that's what this courtship did and is doing. I didn't know I was rude, irritable, deceitful, a man-pleaser…oh did I mention rude? I‘m discovering that there is still work for the Lord to do, and God sent us into each other's lives to sharpen one another (though it feels like stabbing). Once you enter courtship, you'll see that it is not how you imagined it would be. But you'll love every second of it.

A word to my sisters: your "dream guy" that you think is your husband could be the opposite of God's plan for your life. He could be the cause of you stumbling and missing your salvation. I could have married a 7 footer, and that 7 footer could cause me to sin against the Lord. That 7 footer could marry me and then physically abuse me the next day. All in the name of satisfying my flesh. Or I could have married one guy from my village in Nigeria just to please my family and guarantee peaceful relations. Remember, God's will doesn't always look like how we want, but in the end is exactly what is best for you.  I beseech you, be praying about your husband seriously, and completely surrender to the Lord about it.


Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
— Psalm 37:4

Please don't misinterpret this scripture to mean that God will give me the man I desire. No! He is saying that as you delight yourself in Him, and you enjoy Him and His presence, as you abide in Him, He will create desires that don't come from your own flesh.

And Lord I pray, as you have done it for me, so do it for all of my sisters soon in Jesus name.

Love,

Lovergirl122616

Always A Hostess

For a woman, your status at a wedding is surprisingly similar to the temple of God. I know I said it was similar to your current relationship with your crush, but bear with me. #INeedNewMaterial

You can be either one of many levels: the hostess, the bridesmaid or the bride. I’ve been granted access to 2 out of 3 of the levels. I’m still trying to present myself without a “spot or wrinkle or any other blemish” and to “be holy and without fault.” But no worries, the time will come. As of now, I can only enjoy the levels I have been able to master.


Hostess

A time of service


Growing up I never considered ever wanting to be a hostess in someone’s wedding. I only imagined myself as a bride or a bridesmaid. One or the other. Or just be a guest member, crying my eyes out during the exchange of vows. When I got saved, I noticed a lot of couples had younger people serve at their weddings and they used this cute phrase “hostess” to make it seem official. The only place I heard the word was when I went to TGI Friday's or when I stuff my face with a Hostess donuts. Apparently, a hostess is basically someone who works for free at your wedding. Being young, it was so much fun. Free food and I can attend your wedding. But now, things done changed, Hunny. The word is a thorn in my flesh. As a “late mid” twenty-year-old, a hostess is like Cinderella serving her step-sisters as they got to go to the Ball. You work and sweat, while they dance and laugh.

A few months ago, a dear sister of mine asked me to be her hostess. Because of love, I agreed. Because of the body pain and sore feet the day after, I promised that was my last wedding being a hostess for. All my big sisters and brother in the Lord were married at this point. However, that didn't take my resume off the “Hostess with the most-est” job portal.

A friend asked me to be a “wedding coordinator” at her wedding. The title sounded so sweet to my ears, I immediately agreed.

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I should have asked for the job description because I soon learned that it was basically a hostess that studied abroad.

We all know where this is going. I was plotting how I could break the news to her that I couldn't be able to do it.

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“Why not?” you ask.

Essentially, I was just being prideful. She was a younger bride asking me, who is one breath away from thirty, to work and slave at her wedding, as she dances the night away with her the love of her life. Other “reasons” came to my mind to say no. Many of which I am too ashamed to admit to.

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I couldn't think of a gracious way to decline to be a hostess at her wedding.

One Sunday, while service was going on, sitting next to her, I extended my right hand over her thigh to hold her last two right fingers. We were barely holding hands when I felt this subtle, but overwhelming sensation run through my body. It was as if embracing her reset my mind. I felt this peace take over and it was then that I knew that the Holy Spirit was speaking. In that moment, I was reminded of my particular love for her, thus compelling me to desire to assist her on her big day. Looking back, I realized that she has a servant’s heart. She loves to serve others and lay down her life for others. But the irony is that as much she sacrifices for others, she tends to not receive the same honor when it's her turn. But that's the scandal of it all, she serves with no anticipation of a favor returned. And this led me to my ultimate decision to take my hostess assignment with honor.

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So catch your girl in the corner at the wedding, stuffing my face as I cry over the couple’s first dance.

*end of part 1/3*


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When You Don't Get The Dream Guy

This past Memorial Day was a memorable one. I spent that morning having confession with a dear sister. I shared a secret with her: I had a crush on someone. Over the last few months, God has been healing me and making me whole, to the point that my feelings for the guy were a thing of the past. And that's where it just needed to stay. I later went home and decluttered my room. I went on a rage looking for anything that could tie me to this guy. It was time to restore the ancient landmarks and remove any false idol that tried to raise itself as a god in my heart.

At this point in the game, you can tell I never got the dream guy. And to be honest, I am quite happy that God never answered that prayer. *flips hair* He be knowing.

Here's what to know when you don't get your dream guy


1. Remember God has someone you can't even imagine

I am really big on learning from other's past season and drawing strength from that. We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the words of our testimony. I have many friends who are courting, engaged or married, so I love hearing about their love story. Believe it or not, the road to bae wasn't easy or smooth. Many times there was someone else who had their attention initially and that person began to take over their hearts. In all situations, that person wasn't God's will for them and I've learned that my friends had to consecrate their hearts to the Lord so that He can be their main focus.

And when they did, God brought someone that was meant for them. He reveals and announces the real partner. I can tell you my friends were captivated by some amazing people, but God always has a way of showing us out. Because the partners that God presented were someone I couldn't even fathom for my friends.

When you don't get the dream guy, remember that God will always outdo and will embarrass you with His blessings.

2. He is a dream. We need something that's a reality

I once saw a quote that said "don't settle for the guy that makes your heart race. Be with the guy that makes you feel calm." I never got the quote. Why can't bae give me butterflies and make my heart race? Isn't that what love does to people? I soon learned that I was anxious for love. Love is patient and I shouldn't be anxious about anything, especially when it is mine.

I realized that because I was anxious by the presence of another human, I was developing a deep yearning for them. Sounds familiar? Yeah, sounds like lust. Not lust in the sexual form, but lust nonetheless. Desiring a deep yearning for another person was awaking love before it's time, therefore not allowing it its God-given right to be beautiful in its time.

3. He's the reason for the season

God has already declared the beginning from the end. Literally. Before the foundations were laid, He declared it. So it's safe to say that He is the one who has control of the direction of your life, including why you didn't get the dream guy and enjoying your amazing single season.

Who is he who speaks and it comes to pass, When the Lord has not commanded it?
— Lamentations 3:37 NKJV

God is in control of your season and your life. If you didn't get the dream guy, I can confidently say, "shawty wasn't for you." I also have faith and believe what and who is yours will come to pass.

This is the part where I write some encouraging words as I conclude. All I can say is enjoy the now. And I say this with all sincerity because this season can't and shall not be repeated. Invest in yourself. You are your biggest concern right now. I wish I realized this years ago. Here is to our amazing youth and future stories we can share with our daughters.


 

Falling For An Unbeliever

You meet an amazing person and just like that, you fall for them. They have everything you want and more. It seems like this person isn't even real.

Tall | Dark | Handsome

Fresh cut | Beard Connects | Nice Teeth

It happens. It's almost inevitable. We are soul beings so we are capable of having emotions. They have the whole package and you are sure you have found "the one." That is until one single factor comes and disqualifies them from being bae.
 

They are NOT saved.


In other words, they don't know the Lord. You guys aren't equally yoked. Not even “chill saved” or “newly saved.” It's okay. We’ve all been there. And may still even be there. #Guilty



Here is what you should know when you find yourself head over heels for an Unbeliever

1. Don't feed into it

It is so easy for us as humans to dream and imagine the future, especially when we found someone who captures our hearts. But that's it. They have captured our heart. Our deceitful hearts.

 

The heart is deceitful above all things And it is extremely sick; Who can understand it fully and know its secret motives?
— Jeremiah 17:9 AMP

 

Our emotions are valid, but we must also discern when they are not of God. Having feelings for an unbeliever can happen, but understand that God doesn't desire a relationship to be birthed from it. Don't have any hope or faith that this will end well. It's not God’s will for you two to end up together.

“Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right.”
— Songs of Solomon 8:4 NLT

2. God isn't holding out

Many times when we like an unbeliever, it could be because there isn't another person similar to them in the Kingdom. God has you surrounded by many believers of the opposite sex. However, for some reason, a person that is “off-limits” is desirable in your eyes.

Sounds familiar?

Eve made the same mistake.

Adam and Eve were advised to eat of any tree in the garden of Eden, but the tree of good and evil. However, she saw the tree of good and evil and desired that, despite its possible consequences.


“The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too.”


‭Genesis‬ ‭3:6‬ ‭NLT‬‬


Unlike Eve, we must realize that God isn't trying to hold out on us. We have to be careful not to be led away by our desires. If we aren't cautious, this could be a threat to our walk with the Lord. He is actually protecting us from the dangers of being unequally yoked and possibly, backsliding.

3. Saved ones are the best ones!

I know it sucks, there isn't that many men that look like Idris Elba in the Kingdom. Trust me, I checked.

Jk. Not about checking, but about how saved men look. We can't let our eyes deceive us. Same thing applies to men in regards to women. Our attraction may have been initiated by appearance, but it's a Godly character that will anchor us. 

“Charm and grace are deceptive, and [superficial] beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD [reverently worshiping, obeying, serving, and trusting Him with awe-filled respect], she shall be praised.”
— Proverbs 31:30 AMP

*applies to men as well*

Although God loves us all uniquely, He desires for His children to have equally yoked partners. So although your dream partner isn't in the Kingdom, God’s best for you is. And at the end of the day, God has never failed us. His judgment is always best.

Just be patient for everything to be beautiful in its time.

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One day God will give us godly marriages, for those of us that desire to marry. Godly marriages that glorify the Father one day. Marriages that encompass His faithfulness towards us and reflects the love of Christ towards the Church. Until then, let's continue to kick it in The Friendzone. We got time to enjoy this season before it ends.