What To Do When You Get Friendzoned

In the Kingdom, we practice having safe, healthy Christ centered relationships; it’s just not as easy as it seems getting there. In fact, you may have feelings for a friend and desire them to be more than that, but if nothing happens, you are left with just that—feelings.

There are levels to this. Like the temple of God, there are three levels of intimacy you can have with a potential significant other: Acquaintance, Friend, and Significant other. You, my friend, are in the middle courts, The Holy Place, but you desire to be in the Holy of Holies. However, there is veil in your way of progression. Unfortunately, shawty is not trying to tear it into two to allow you access. So you are pleading the blood of Jesus as you are trapped in “The Friendzone”. Dum Dum Duhhhh

“The Friendzone” isn’t a bad place. Take it from somone who is currently there: me. I’m single like a dollar being thrown at a Nigerian party. I’m not even trying to leave “The Friendzone”. I like it here. I built a life here and everything. You are probably wondering “Why?” Well, in “The Friendzone”, you are given a chance to really find yourself. Most importantly, build a solid foundation on Christ, so that when you do leave, you won’t face as much difficulties and insecurities in the “Holy of Holies.”    

But that realization takes a while, especially when you are new around these parts. Don’t worry! I wrote a simple guide to help. When you are placed in the friendzone, remember these 5 things to make your stay there as comfortable as possible.

1. Fix your eyes on God

Literally. I know it’s so cliché, but it’s the honest truth. With your mind racing and your heart aching, it’s best to be still. No, really, be still. Don’t act on any impulsive emotions. And know that He is God. A God that has better life than you are comprehending at the moment. At such a vulnerable and confusing time as this, you need to be comforted. Leaning on your own understanding is what we need to avoid at these times, but understand that God is working towards something better for us that we can’t really grasp and perceive at this point in time.

You may possibly feel “unlovable” right now. Like no one cares for or sees you as a potential significant other. I can assure you, that isn’t true;  it just may not be your time! Instead of seeking the answers to all your questions, from within yourself, turn your heart towards the Father. For at such a time like this, you need the wound in your heart to be healed and mended by the One who can fulfill the satisfaction you are aching for.

“He can love me more in a moment, then all the lovers can in a lifetime.”

Casting all your anxieties on Him, because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7 ESV

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes…”

Revelation 21:4 ESV

2. It might not be you. It might not be them. It might really be God.

When we experience heartache, we tend to automatically assume the issue is with us. As if we are the problem as to why the friendship can’t go further than what it is:

“I’m not ____ enough.”

“I don’t have _____.”

“I need to do _____ more”

Understand the problem is not necessarily you. You can fix your flaws, imperfections and shortcomings, if you think that would increase the person’s admiration towards you, and still be in the same predicament.

Understand, that the problem is not necessarily them. They might not be God’s will for your life or it may not be the season. We tend to examine the situation from a fleshly perspective, as opposed to a Kingdom mindset.

What is God preparing you for? What is He saying?

Either way, the “problem” may be neither parties, or both parties, but you must remember: the clearest solution is with the One that is in the center of it all. Whether you realize it or not, God has plans for all aspects of your life, including your relationships. God is the writer of our lives; trust that He is writing a beautiful story for both sides.

3. Don’t isolate yourself

Don’t do it. Please don’t do it.

When I face heartache, I just want to crawl in bed and lay in the dark and be serenaded by the voice of Amy Winehouse and Adele…19, not 21. But I realized that it doesn’t help me feel better, nor does it speak life into me, but just drowns me in my sorrow.  Rather than dwelling in our pain and misery, turn to God, who comforts us to overcome it and restores the joy back in our hearts.

“Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.”

Proverbs 18:1 ESV

The enemy thrives in the darkness. Why? Because there isn’t light there to expose it. When you isolate yourself from others to wallow in your misery, you allow the enemy to feed you lies and play with your mind.  When you are vulnerable, you can be an easy target to prey on. 

“No one loves you.”…“They found someone better.”….“You will be single forever.”

Don’t allow the enemy to attack you so easily.

Get out of bed! Don’t listen to Drake! Put the fork down!

Instead of detaching yourself from society, hang out with your friends, see where you can volunteer, or bond with your family. Because whether you see it or not, there are people that love you and think so highly of you. Don’t cry over one, but rejoice over many that love you.

“Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”
Hebrews 10:25 ESV

4. Don’t Retaliate

Often when we experience heartache, we want to seek revenge.

“I’m going to look better.”

“You are going to regret this.”

Although, you may not really think like this, when you are hurt, often times, we get angry and just want to hurt the person back.

Which brings me to my next point….

5. Don’t hold grudges

When we get hurt, we can be resentful, especially towards the person. You want to curse them out, delete their number, and even unfollow them on social media. Everytime you hear their name, you want to roll your eyes or say something to bash them. You may not realize it, but the person probably didn't intend to hurt you. They just don’t feel the same way about you. Im sure they don’t want to lead you on. Either way, Christ calls us to forgive each other and not let bitterness take root in our hearts.

Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do”.

Colossians 3:13

Take “The Friendzone” with joy as a sign that God has something better for you that will come at the right time. Jesus is the author and the finisher of our faith, so trust that while you are in “The Friendzone”, with me and some other cool kids—He is writing the chapters to your love story.